"I write to find meaning and understand myself … Sometimes you don't know where you're going until you get there." - Amy Tan
I’ve been gone for nearly a week now. (Scroll down for a postcard from my not-so-secret location.) Yet, the adjustment hasn’t been as smooth as I would’ve hoped. It’s been difficult to will myself to move more than a few steps in any direction. Yes, I have a plan for this time abroad – to produce my docupoem project and to re-write a loosely autobiographical feature screenplay that’s been gestating inside of me for about a decade. But, truly, the only thing that hit the ground running since my arrival was the plane that brought me here. Every day I question myself and hear my inner critic growing louder in my head. What are you doing? What are you doing?
Photo via Eva Darron on Unsplash
I fear that even though the setting has changed and the brush of monotony has been cleared away, that I’m still the same writer, my afflictions unchanged. Though, one thing I have been doing, thanks to a generous friend with a guest pass, is dipping my toe in Masterclass videos to collect gems of guidance from veteran creatives, like playwright / screenwriter Aaron Sorkin (The West Wing, A Few Good Men) and author Amy Tan (The Joy Luck Club, The Bonesetter’s Daughter). I’ve been taking notes from Sorkin on how to develop a drama and write tight dialogue. Over the span of 8 hours and 35 lessons, he’s drilled into me that I must know with certainty two fundamental things about any story I’m writing: intention and obstacle.
Sorkin also led a makeshift writer’s room, where newbie scribes, who were just starting out in the TV/film industry, shared their scripts and received immediate feedback from him. One among the group, Corey Wright, was asked about his own writing obstacles. "I think the most dangerous 'no' one can hear,” Wright responded, “is the one they tell themselves." I couldn’t agree more. In this story of self, it’s easy enough to identify what my intentions are. Sadly, albeit, unsurprisingly, the biggest obstacle in my way is me. (Talk about predictable plot lines.)
Thankfully, Sorkin made a similar confession during his on-camera sessions. He actually considers writer's block to be his "default position," estimating that it takes him 18-24 months to complete a given screenplay with most of that time spent brainstorming, being depressed and basically just "banging your head against the wall," (i.e. “not writing.”) Cumulatively, the days Sorkin’s able to put words on the page only add up to about 2 months. That discrepancy, he acknowledged, can be “soul-crushing,” both exhaustive and “demoralizing,” but it’s common for even the most accomplished of writers. "You know more in your head than you're able to put to paper.” And, despite the infrequency, those 60 days or so of progress and epiphany are enough. Because when it does happen, "you feel like you can fly."
Tan, who wrote the novel The Joy Luck Club, in addition to co-writing the film adaptation, taught a class on imagination and memory. With a soft voice and playful eyes, Tan assured me that my creative slumps are not the end of the world. She spoke of “the necessary pain of writers.” “If you’re stuck,” Tan said, “don’t kick yourself.” Instead, she suggested enlisting a doppelgänger for help, one that will accompany me on this ”very private journey” of writing and self-discovery. That doppelgänger will serve as my better self, a more forgiving, compassionate and confident version that loves me and knows my intention(s) better than I do. The most important thing for any writer, Tan explained, is to know themselves. Sitting in front of a large desk, with a backdrop of books, stacked floor to ceiling, she told me that I must constantly question and reorient myself in order to “push through to my narrative.”
So, let’s see how my double and I do in the days and months to come. Here, an ocean away from where I was, I shall attempt to cross over to the other side of myself.
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